Road Rage

I have never been a patient driver, but I like to consider myself a smart, albeit speedy, one. Yes, I realize that few people actually describe themselves as terrible drivers, but I would like to think that in the ten years that I have been on the road, my spotless record (squeaky clean thanks to defensive driving) allows me to brag just a little bit.

However, I am definitely no longer a complete moron; as a freshman in college, I would routinely drive 90mph or more on my drive to Houston from Waco. I have no logical explanation other than I did it because I could. Those extra 15 minutes I saved in travel time were TOTALLY worth the risk of violent death. Since I have mellowed with age, I generally cruise 75mph when traveling on the highway and have zero patience for stupid drivers. If you ride my ass on the highway for no good reason, I promise that it will not make me go any faster. Just ask the guy in the white F150 who discovered this when I was going to Houston this past week.

I was gaining on a slow 18 Wheeler when the F150 tried to pass me at a point where there was clearly not enough room to do so. Visibly irritated that I was only going 75mph, right after we passed the 18 Wheeler, the F150 immediately cut the truck off before I could get over, swooped in front of me and slammed on his brakes. Of course, there was no one in front of him, but I had wronged him by not going fast enough. This was my punishment.

As he slowed down to 65mph I couldn’t help but visibly shrug to him just so he knew that I really didn’t give a shit. Seriously. YOU WON’T WIN THIS GAME WITH ME. About that time, Katy Perry’s newest single, “Waking Up in Vegas” began to play on the radio and I suddenly had the perfect solution: I began to sing along to the song as obnoxiously as I possibly could. Now, I have never had any shame in singing along with the radio while I am in a car. I really don’t care what you think of me as I rock out while driving around town. But this time I went above and beyond. I exaggerated every word of the song and did some awesome white-girl car dancing. Most people would probably describe it as a seizure. This was not the reaction the F150 driver wanted to illicit from me, and when he slowed to 55pmh, I couldn’t help but to throw back my head and laugh. I’m sure he noticed, because it was about that time when he finally sped up to about 90 mph and shot off into the distance.

The best part? I caught up to him five minutes later. Traffic will always trip you up, no matter how much of a dick you are.

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