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How NOT to Make a Sale

Whenever I go to the mall, I am inevitably accosted by various people working kiosks trying to hand me soap or re-straighten my already straightened hair. Their overpriced lotions, soaps, and salts are not all as terrible as some of them smell; I have purchased sea salt and a package of lotion after significantly haggling the prices down. Most of the workers are directly from Israel and probably receive commission, but I’m sorry. 99 dollars for a container of bath salt is not going to happen, even if you collected it directly from Jesus’ ass after a soak in the Dead Sea.

I usually avoid making eye contact with these people and hustle by as quickly as I can because, no, I really don’t want you to inspect my hands. However, my mom was not so lucky. Yesterday, she was pulled aside by a lady who aggressively grabbed her hand and began the buffing process as my mom was telling her, no really, I already have a buffer. The woman continued talking through her rehearsed speech, halfway insulting her skin as being too dry, as my mom countered that she already had products that she clearly didn’t use from the sea salt kiosk down the way. But that is where the lady exclaimed that she wasn’t selling sea salt! She was actually selling a sugar based product from Las Vegas that was so good for your skin that it was even edible. Because that makes sense.

And then she asked if my mother was married. After replying yes, the seller excitedly informed her she could even lick it off her husband, and winked.

Needless to say, she didn’t make the sale.

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